Journal #2 When I Was 10…

Ever since I was little I have always felt….different, more curious then other kids, more mature, more openminded. It never fazed me until I was about 10, it’s that awkward stage of “I am old but not old enough” and I found my friends were less excepting of my realistic approaches to life or my “useless information” (as they would say). I began to feel lonely but I still stayed positive. I was also a very self-assured and confident child, I new who I was and I wasn’t going to change for anyone, but that sometimes put a target on my back (jealousy’s a bitch and it decided to bite me in the ass). My friends started to put me down, told me being smart was stupid and that my interest in reading and history made me a “Know-It All,” but when your best friend tells you that what you like isn’t cool or that you will never be as good as her, you start to believe it. I felt worthless, unimportant and that this maturity was more of a curse then a blessing. Why couldn’t I jut be normal? I began to put up walls and to stop letting people in…. stop telling them who I was. Life went on and so did my process of shutting people out (I was never one to brag but I still didn’t tell anyone about my accomplishments) So now I am 14 and every year my family is invited to New Years party, which I go to.  Basically all I hear is judgemental adults criticize how other peoples kids spent the year, besides, the one friend which I love oh so dearly and her mother which raised her oh so well, everyone is stuck on bragging about “my kid won hockey” and “my kid has a boyfriend.” I had assumed that this year would be the same as any other and I would get out of this party scoot free….I was wrong. This one friend (lets call her Suzy) noticed I was having a conversation with another friend (umm Bob’s his name) about some flaws in history and any other facts the trivia nut inside of me could come up with. She began to get angry about how she was not the centre of attention and how Bob was paying attention to me, so as Suzy usually does she decided to make a comment…but this time she pushed it too far. She started to call me names, say how nobody cares about my facts and that no body wants someone who is taller or smarter to date. I had a flashback of the feeling when I was 10 and Suzy said those same words, I felt the same way UNIMPORTANT, UGLY, SCRUTINIZED. Something inside me flicked and I thought “You did it once but not again”, I began to voice my opinion, I shoot out every big word, every humiliating analogy, and every feminist line I had ever used, and I hit it home by calling her what she really was somebody so unhappy, so insecure, so jealous with themselves,  that they think that anyone who is different should be made fun of because you secretly don’t have the guts to say, do and act the way you want, like I do and that is just sad. I told her how I felt bad for people like her because she will never be comfortable in her own skin but I don’t deserve this and I told Suzy that next time she wants to put me down I won’t be there to hear it. So that’s my story of how little memories and feelings from the past can push you to do something good…even though this kinda come out rudely now she can’t walk all over me

~XO Donatella

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4 thoughts on “Journal #2 When I Was 10…

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  1. I love your spirit. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Sometimes people need to be put in their place and having the class to call them out when they are disrespectful is necessary in life sometimes. Don’t hold a grudge though, because you’re right, she is just jealous and insecure. Keep being an example of how to be “yourself”, and maybe she’ll learn to let go of her own hang-ups and take your lead. (Sorry if I defaulted to ‘advice mode’ –my job (teacher) has me hanging out with teenagers and problem-solving all the live-long day 🙂 )
    And, btw, your writing is well put, clear, and creative. I look forward to reading more of your blog.

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