Journal # 9: The Six Year Age Gap

For those of you who don’t know, my little sister and I are 6 years apart (nobody in between, just the 2 of us) As much as sometimes I wish we were closer together in age, I am often truly satisfied with the years we have apart. She makes me feel like a kid and I get to help her grow up, she doesn’t steal my clothes or makeup, and she doesn’t embarrass me at school simply because she is not at my school. The age gap has helped me develop a more marital instinct and has taught her that someone is always there to listen to you even if you don’t wanna tell mom.

We carry each others secrets like the time we broke the small decretive statue in out house or when she cheated on her social studies test because her notes just happen to be on the corner of the desk. Most importantly as much as sometimes we want there to be, there is no competition. We don’t have the same hobbies, never played the same sports, and she is too young to be in realistic competition in grades. Although I know she mumbles in frustration “why is Donatella so smart? Look at me I am Donatella and I get 90’s” (yes i do get 90’s). I always tell her your nine and I am sixteen even if you wanted to be good at english, you can’t be because you don’t know enough yet, and that’s okay, it doesn’t make you stupid.

Over the last year though she has definitely kicked my ass in math (sixteen year old me and 9 year old me). She flew right past me with times tables, fractions, area and perimeter and at that point in my life I couldn’t do that on paper let alone in my head. So every one in a while I always say to her “wow your way better at math then I am, your pronunciation in french is better than mine and look at that you are an amazing cook (by the way she loves cooking and I hate it….I burnt popcorn at fifteen and she can make a grilled cheese sandwich at eight).

But sometimes it has it’s downsides, there are moments in our relationship where it’s like each other doesn’t exist cause we are so busy or we become annoyed with each others immaturity (ie; hers) and bossiness (ie; mine). We forget each others age, she expects me to play with her all the time and I expect her to not leave a disaster every where she goes. Me being sick I am able to spend more time with her and we do more together like spend an hour together each morning, pull pranks on each other and read together at night.

Some say that after 5 years of not having a sibling your and only child, but I disagree with that. My sister and I are able to grow as separate people without fighting for attention or trying to one up each others successes all the time, she doesn’t feel like she has to do exactly what I do or that we are enemies. She looks up to me and in a way I look up to her where as when siblings are closer together they can fight over who’s stronger, better, smarter and it takes them a while to have respect for each other (i have cousins who are close together…..I have noticed the difference). In order for our relationship to be strong we have develop ourselves and then we develop together.

So if you are worried about having kids far apart I hope this eases the concern. Plus you have your own personal babysitter, chef , hairdresser, tutor….it’s like having a second mom or dad. Next time if you meet someone with siblings far apart, don’t feel bad for them because in my opinion it is the best sibling dynamic out there.

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Journal #8: The Last 5 Weeks

It all started April 6th, I started to come down with a cold. I had a stuffy nose, achey body and I was starting to feel warm. I knew I was coming down with a cold, so I took a half a day off school to go home and try to sleep it off.

To my dismay, I woke up feeling worse than ever. I decided I needed to go to the doctors because this had been the 3rd time over the course of 5 months that I had caught a cold and I knew something was up. At this point, I had felt a tight chest pain and felt very weak. I knew this wasn’t a cold, I had caught the flu for the 3rd time this year. The doctor confirmed my self-diagnoses and I was off with a script for 2 inhalers and some antibiotics.

Continue reading “Journal #8: The Last 5 Weeks”

Journal #7: Relationships Are Like Coffee

“Everyone has their own taste”

In high school the amount of relationships that I see come and go are the equivalent to the amount of Instagram follower Kim Karadashian has (51.3 million if you were wondering). It has gotten to the point that me and some girls at my lunch table will bet how long some will last “2 weeks max!” and “Come on, look at who it is…not even 2”. We don’t do it to be mean, it’s just our way of relieving stress and venting about theses insane incidents.  In honour of my blog and my own obsession with caffeine and coffee, I came to the conclusion that all romantic relationships are like coffee. Everyone has their own taste, there own feeling and first choice (or first time if you will) Continue reading “Journal #7: Relationships Are Like Coffee”

Journal #4: Losing a Friend

Two Words

I’m Done.

Today, February 26, the day of her birthday, I lost my best friend. Losing someone by death is rough, you will never hear there voice, hold there hand or watch them smile…but losing someone to there own ego is harder because you still see them and hear them but you know that there no longer in there. It’s like a body who looks, speaks and breaths like them but the real them was replaced, like someone ripped them right out and scrubbed the body clean. I feel like I lost myself today as if she left and took a part of me with her, the memories we made are just pictures in a scrapbook and the secrets we shared have flown away. Does this feeling of numbness ever go away? It’s not like I told her it was over but as soon as she through me under the bus I felt like my choice was already made from there. I sat through 2 periods and I felt nothing, I was speaking but it felt like it wasn’t my voice as if she took my voice with her as she left my life. In months before this day she was already starting to walk away from me, by saying rude things and acting as if I wasn’t cool enough, and as she walked I felt my voice leave me, like I could no longer share my thoughts because I would be judged. I lost her to herself because she thinks that popularity is the key to being loved…little does she know that is the key to being hated. I used to think money powered greed but it is status that empowers greed and it’s upsetting to know that people find comfort in that.

~XOXO Donatella

Journal #3: Embarrassing Moments at My Expense

We all have moments that we are not proud of, you know the ones that your friends bring up at a party or someones else’s experience sparked an embarrassing flash back in your mind. Well I recently had one of those moments with 5 other people, and you are lovely person who gets to hear and laugh about it.

This semester, one of my classes happens to be drama and I really enjoy the class. One day our teacher asked if anyone would be open to seeing a play, so myself and a few others agreed to go. The day of the play happened to also be the day of my groups final Tableaux performance, and as a group we wore all black (I wore leggings and a black t-shirt). After we successfully preformed our tableaux sequence we went to lunch and waited till it was 12:10 to head back to the drama room. As the 5 of us entered the door, we all stopped dead in our tracks, we looked at each other mortified, unfortunately we weren’t given the memo that there was a play dress code and it wasn’t casual Tableaux wear. Everyone was best dressed, in skirts, heels, and dress shirts and we looked like hobos that they found off the street in my winter coat, big scarves and a black beanie to cover my messy hair. I have never bee more embarrassed in my life, I felt so insecure and ashamed. When we were on the bus the 5 of us were quiet, I couldn’t help myself, I started to break the silence with snickers which slowly turned into a loud laughing roar. We all broke into big claps of hysterical noises, we tried to talk in between laughs but that only made us laugh louder, finally at the end of the sequence we all sighed I then spoke “Laughter solves everything…except for dress code failures” all of us laughed again and we knew that we were all suffering through this together. When we got back to school we told everyone our mishap and they couldn’t help but titter a little. I learned 2 lessons that day

1. It’s one thing to be embarrassed, and it’s another to be embarrassed with others

2. Play attire does not consist of dressing like it’s Sunday afternoon

I hope you all enjoy this post. I apologize for being MIA but it’s been a little crazy

Journal #2 When I Was 10…

Ever since I was little I have always felt….different, more curious then other kids, more mature, more openminded. It never fazed me until I was about 10, it’s that awkward stage of “I am old but not old enough” and I found my friends were less excepting of my realistic approaches to life or my “useless information” (as they would say). I began to feel lonely but I still stayed positive. I was also a very self-assured and confident child, I new who I was and I wasn’t going to change for anyone, but that sometimes put a target on my back (jealousy’s a bitch and it decided to bite me in the ass). My friends started to put me down, told me being smart was stupid and that my interest in reading and history made me a “Know-It All,” but when your best friend tells you that what you like isn’t cool or that you will never be as good as her, you start to believe it. I felt worthless, unimportant and that this maturity was more of a curse then a blessing. Why couldn’t I jut be normal? I began to put up walls and to stop letting people in…. stop telling them who I was. Life went on and so did my process of shutting people out (I was never one to brag but I still didn’t tell anyone about my accomplishments) So now I am 14 and every year my family is invited to New Years party, which I go to.  Basically all I hear is judgemental adults criticize how other peoples kids spent the year, besides, the one friend which I love oh so dearly and her mother which raised her oh so well, everyone is stuck on bragging about “my kid won hockey” and “my kid has a boyfriend.” I had assumed that this year would be the same as any other and I would get out of this party scoot free….I was wrong. This one friend (lets call her Suzy) noticed I was having a conversation with another friend (umm Bob’s his name) about some flaws in history and any other facts the trivia nut inside of me could come up with. She began to get angry about how she was not the centre of attention and how Bob was paying attention to me, so as Suzy usually does she decided to make a comment…but this time she pushed it too far. She started to call me names, say how nobody cares about my facts and that no body wants someone who is taller or smarter to date. I had a flashback of the feeling when I was 10 and Suzy said those same words, I felt the same way UNIMPORTANT, UGLY, SCRUTINIZED. Something inside me flicked and I thought “You did it once but not again”, I began to voice my opinion, I shoot out every big word, every humiliating analogy, and every feminist line I had ever used, and I hit it home by calling her what she really was somebody so unhappy, so insecure, so jealous with themselves,  that they think that anyone who is different should be made fun of because you secretly don’t have the guts to say, do and act the way you want, like I do and that is just sad. I told her how I felt bad for people like her because she will never be comfortable in her own skin but I don’t deserve this and I told Suzy that next time she wants to put me down I won’t be there to hear it. So that’s my story of how little memories and feelings from the past can push you to do something good…even though this kinda come out rudely now she can’t walk all over me

~XO Donatella

Journal #1 Does Happiness Really Exist?

Hello everyone, this evening I bring to you a more serious topic about our perception of happiness. I have come to realize that as I get older things that I think should make you happy such as Love, Friends, and Smiley Faces seem to just make me depressed. I mean love is just so confusing and makes you second guess yourself, you put yourself out in such a vulnerable place all for what… a hug…a kiss… to feel important. As people we just hurt each other which only leaves us to put up walls and not let each other in, but yet we complain we are not happy. We are taught when we are little that happiness comes from object and places such as carnivals and cotton candy but we learn the hard way, in high school that the feeling slowly fades and that it becomes so unfamiliar, it almost seems like we have never felt it. And the feeling that replaces it would be emptiness and a depressed. I used to think that I would have awesome friends like the Bratz Girls and I would be happy, but chasing after that dream only makes me realize it’s basically impossible. Lately, my friends have been causing more trouble for me then happiness and I am starting to loose faith that I can ever be really happy.

Someone told me that if you feel depressed or unhappy, then think a time that you felt genuinely good in that moment, so I thought….It was the day my dad surprised me with tickets to the circus and I remember watching the elephants walk around with dancers on their backs, I looked over at my dad with a huge smile and he asked if i was happy, and I said “of course I am, i’m at the circus. ” Sometimes i wish I could go back to the circus and restore my faith in happiness. So my question is, does happiness exist. It probably does but maybe not right now, maybe not right here, or maybe I am looking for it in the wrong place but right now my most evident feeling is tiredness…

Tired of feeling nothing, not even happiness.

~Donatella

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